I focus my comments on the negative because, in general, 90% of what you do is very good. It is more productive to emphasize the other 10%. These comments are meant to be demonstrative of things that can be improved on in the paper. They are not meant to be comprehensive.
GENERAL COMMENTS
Intros and transitions – GET TO THE POINT!!!!! Don’t screw around. Tell me what you are going to tell me and cut out everything else. You should only reference the title of an article or book if that book or article is well known. Otherwise, just use the authors’ names. Titles are irrelevant.
Contraception - The Cheetah Girls (which, I hear, is a movie)
- A lot of good info; pretty clean typographically
- I’d like to see you recognize cases where authors provide overlapping information: Author A (2008) says X, but Author B (2006) says Y.
- You need in-text citation: Frost and Lindberg (Year?) surveyed . . .
- You have a quote in the first paragraph with no citation whatsoever
- And that sentence has a major problem: The advent of contraception in the US in the past 30 years has been deemed “as one of the 10 greatest public health achievements of the 20th century” o Half of the last 30 years has been in the 21st century
o The advent of contraception in the United States in 1985? - The women’s age, parity, and relationship status were associated with different reasons.
o Honest truth, this sentence makes my brain hurt.
- Awkward transitions
o “Although there is a funding issue . . .” where is that coming from?
o “Another article . . .” “In an additional article . . .” Now you’re just making a list
- I’d like to see you recognize cases where authors provide overlapping information: Author A (2008) says X, but Author B (2006) says Y.
- You need in-text citation: Frost and Lindberg (Year?) surveyed . . .
- You have a quote in the first paragraph with no citation whatsoever
- And that sentence has a major problem: The advent of contraception in the US in the past 30 years has been deemed “as one of the 10 greatest public health achievements of the 20th century” o Half of the last 30 years has been in the 21st century
o The advent of contraception in the United States in 1985? - The women’s age, parity, and relationship status were associated with different reasons.
o Honest truth, this sentence makes my brain hurt.
- Awkward transitions
o “Although there is a funding issue . . .” where is that coming from?
o “Another article . . .” “In an additional article . . .” Now you’re just making a list
Marriage
- More typographical errors than I’d care to see
- Organization!!!!! You need better transitions. For example,
o “The reason marriages have declined overtime in the United States is something that needs to be studied a bit more [not a lot more, just a bit more?]. [Then you follow that up with a brand new transition] Following the trends of major historical events . . .”
- “but the history and circumstances behind these unions is [are] often overlooked” Forced intro. People talk extensively (maybe not accurately, but extensively) about the history and circumstance of marriage. Your intro should lay out the main arguments or big conclusions from your paper, those things that you then support with evidence.
- “marriage such as; The current . . .” should be “marriage such as the current . . .”
o Definitely shouldn’t be a semicolon there, and you don’t capitalize after a semicolon.
o That sentence needs to be chopped up. It runs on longer than Patrick Makau
- Use the present tense when describing your paper; We begin by . . . , not We will begin by.
- “Now more than ever before . . .”
o Passive voice – who’s perceiving? (avoid passive voice at all costs)
o Is marriage different, or is it just the perception?
o Trend is the wrong word here. “Case”?
o “modern-day” - change to contemporary or recent; modern is a loaded word in sociology
o Have the marriages morphed, or has the institution of marriage morphed. There’s a big difference
- “The article starts off . . .”
o Irrelevant. Only refer to the order in which information is presented if that order is important; for example, the author is presenting an argument with several steps.
o The article is a sequence of words. It doesn't do anything. The authors do things.
- “Demby (2014) explains in his article . . .” Just say “Demby (2014) explains”. Demby has probably written several articles.
- Not a sentence:
o “the function of families in mid-twentieth century . . .”
o “That 25 percent of people . . .”
o “So just because people . . .”
o “The main example of this is in the article . . .” [this sentence has major issues]
- Who’s Boo? The housing project in OKC – there’s only one?
- “race is a very important factor to both consider and take into account”
o I was considering it, but I wasn't taking it into account (redundant)
- “that would hurt her financial standing to be married to an employed person” eh?
- VanLaningham, Johnson and Amato (YEAR??)
- Organization!!!!! You need better transitions. For example,
o “The reason marriages have declined overtime in the United States is something that needs to be studied a bit more [not a lot more, just a bit more?]. [Then you follow that up with a brand new transition] Following the trends of major historical events . . .”
- “but the history and circumstances behind these unions is [are] often overlooked” Forced intro. People talk extensively (maybe not accurately, but extensively) about the history and circumstance of marriage. Your intro should lay out the main arguments or big conclusions from your paper, those things that you then support with evidence.
- “marriage such as; The current . . .” should be “marriage such as the current . . .”
o Definitely shouldn’t be a semicolon there, and you don’t capitalize after a semicolon.
o That sentence needs to be chopped up. It runs on longer than Patrick Makau
- Use the present tense when describing your paper; We begin by . . . , not We will begin by.
- “Now more than ever before . . .”
o Passive voice – who’s perceiving? (avoid passive voice at all costs)
o Is marriage different, or is it just the perception?
o Trend is the wrong word here. “Case”?
o “modern-day” - change to contemporary or recent; modern is a loaded word in sociology
o Have the marriages morphed, or has the institution of marriage morphed. There’s a big difference
- “The article starts off . . .”
o Irrelevant. Only refer to the order in which information is presented if that order is important; for example, the author is presenting an argument with several steps.
o The article is a sequence of words. It doesn't do anything. The authors do things.
- “Demby (2014) explains in his article . . .” Just say “Demby (2014) explains”. Demby has probably written several articles.
- Not a sentence:
o “the function of families in mid-twentieth century . . .”
o “That 25 percent of people . . .”
o “So just because people . . .”
o “The main example of this is in the article . . .” [this sentence has major issues]
- Who’s Boo? The housing project in OKC – there’s only one?
- “race is a very important factor to both consider and take into account”
o I was considering it, but I wasn't taking it into account (redundant)
- “that would hurt her financial standing to be married to an employed person” eh?
- VanLaningham, Johnson and Amato (YEAR??)
Fertility
- In-text citation
- First sentence – “forces”? events? I don’t like “factors” there. Later you use functions; you should probably be consistent.
- Enter [and] leave the population. They don’t enter OR leave the population through fertility and mortality. It’d be cool if you were able to choose.
- Theory in quotes? Are you questioning the semantics of theory?
- You stop indenting paragraphs on the third page. Weird.
- Meaning, they had a greater chance . . . – not a sentence
- “which led to adjusting their reproductive habits and attitude”
o Do they have a single attitude?
o This is too big a claim to just throw out at the end of a paragraph with no explanation
- “Unfortunately, this decline did not last” – what decline? I’m not sure what you’re talking about at this point. Unemployment?
- “The fertility rate will constantly be fluctuating” – just say “The fertility rate fluctuates”
- “our adult and government population” – eh?
- “To assist in the decline in fertility rate” – Are we trying to reduce the fertility rate? Why?
- “Many factors play a role in affecting fertility trends . . .” We’ve obviously switched to a new author, because you felt the need to totally reset the paper.
- “above mentioned” - brackets? Why?
- “Now that women are obtaining college degrees and working, fertility rates across the nation were declining” Time travel? Pick a verb tense and stick with it.
- First sentence – “forces”? events? I don’t like “factors” there. Later you use functions; you should probably be consistent.
- Enter [and] leave the population. They don’t enter OR leave the population through fertility and mortality. It’d be cool if you were able to choose.
- Theory in quotes? Are you questioning the semantics of theory?
- You stop indenting paragraphs on the third page. Weird.
- Meaning, they had a greater chance . . . – not a sentence
- “which led to adjusting their reproductive habits and attitude”
o Do they have a single attitude?
o This is too big a claim to just throw out at the end of a paragraph with no explanation
- “Unfortunately, this decline did not last” – what decline? I’m not sure what you’re talking about at this point. Unemployment?
- “The fertility rate will constantly be fluctuating” – just say “The fertility rate fluctuates”
- “our adult and government population” – eh?
- “To assist in the decline in fertility rate” – Are we trying to reduce the fertility rate? Why?
- “Many factors play a role in affecting fertility trends . . .” We’ve obviously switched to a new author, because you felt the need to totally reset the paper.
- “above mentioned” - brackets? Why?
- “Now that women are obtaining college degrees and working, fertility rates across the nation were declining” Time travel? Pick a verb tense and stick with it.
Divorce
- You completed half of the assignment. You produced the bibliography, but not the literature review. The assignment was for a literature review.
Roles in the family
- Very good
- Add year to in-text citations
- “you might recall a time where your parents read to you, which is actually a positive thing”
o Time (temporal) where (spatial); when (temporal)
o Don’t break the fourth wall (talk directly to the reader)
o The reading or the recall is positive? Unclear.
o “Actually”? Is there disagreement on this point?
- “parents are usually responsible for the future of their children . . .”
o Sentence runs on longer than Stefano Baldini
o Having an absent parent does affect the structure – that’s like saying that not having a roof affects the structure of a house.
o Generally, this is a difficult sentence to follow
- Studies have shown many times, children who come from a low income family are usually the ones who are likely to have an absent father and this more than likely makes room for negative turn-outs.
o Outcomes, not turn-outs
o Usually likely more than likely negative outcomes? You only need one qualifier, not three.
- Add year to in-text citations
- “you might recall a time where your parents read to you, which is actually a positive thing”
o Time (temporal) where (spatial); when (temporal)
o Don’t break the fourth wall (talk directly to the reader)
o The reading or the recall is positive? Unclear.
o “Actually”? Is there disagreement on this point?
- “parents are usually responsible for the future of their children . . .”
o Sentence runs on longer than Stefano Baldini
o Having an absent parent does affect the structure – that’s like saying that not having a roof affects the structure of a house.
o Generally, this is a difficult sentence to follow
- Studies have shown many times, children who come from a low income family are usually the ones who are likely to have an absent father and this more than likely makes room for negative turn-outs.
o Outcomes, not turn-outs
o Usually likely more than likely negative outcomes? You only need one qualifier, not three.
Cohabitation
- No intro or conclusion
- In-text citations
- 1970 to 2000 is not the past three decades
- Some typos
o The increased of cohabitation
o One in sixth
o Childbearing is one word, etc.
- Childbearing isn’t a concept
- People were not nearly as sexually open or physically involved as today’s current population
o Today’s current is redundant
o What people? All people? (if so, that’s not true)
- “The study found a ….”
o Studies don’t find things, people do.
- Children’s school education seems to be affected by cohabitating versus marriage
o say education or schooling, not both
o The competition between the two is affecting children’s education?
- “unfortunately, it found no significant differences between the different groups”
o Why is that unfortunate?
- In-text citations
- 1970 to 2000 is not the past three decades
- Some typos
o The increased of cohabitation
o One in sixth
o Childbearing is one word, etc.
- Childbearing isn’t a concept
- People were not nearly as sexually open or physically involved as today’s current population
o Today’s current is redundant
o What people? All people? (if so, that’s not true)
- “The study found a ….”
o Studies don’t find things, people do.
- Children’s school education seems to be affected by cohabitating versus marriage
o say education or schooling, not both
o The competition between the two is affecting children’s education?
- “unfortunately, it found no significant differences between the different groups”
o Why is that unfortunate?
Teen Fertility
- The paper was turned in with only one name on it
- Throughout time, there have been changes …
o Throughout time? Can you verify that?
o This sentence seems unnecessary
- “The authors found that pregnancy risk…”
o you use this paragraph twice
o Behaviors don’t measure things.
- “may increase into 2008 …” That’s the past. Did it happen?
- “While it may seem . . .” Just because it has decreased doesn’t mean it’s not a problem
- “a reliable trusted source” – redundant
- “more accurate than if they were to get it from a survey”
o National Youth Risk Behavior Survey and National Survey of Family Growth?
- But it is our responsibility to ask the question of “why” these young mothers
o Why the quotes
- “studies find that there is more to being … as commonly thought”
o What studies?
o Commonly thought by whom? Evidence that this is commonly thought?
- “While many hold these individuals accountable, the real reasons are more psychologically and emotionally driven”
o Who are these many holding them accountable? (too vague)
o Why is it that being psychologically and emotionally driven makes them not accountable? I’m not clear where this sentence is going.
- Why the sudden change in text color?
- “It is often contemplated how television affects its viewers”
o Who’s contemplating? How would you know if they are contemplating?
- Throughout time, there have been changes …
o Throughout time? Can you verify that?
o This sentence seems unnecessary
- “The authors found that pregnancy risk…”
o you use this paragraph twice
o Behaviors don’t measure things.
- “may increase into 2008 …” That’s the past. Did it happen?
- “While it may seem . . .” Just because it has decreased doesn’t mean it’s not a problem
- “a reliable trusted source” – redundant
- “more accurate than if they were to get it from a survey”
o National Youth Risk Behavior Survey and National Survey of Family Growth?
- But it is our responsibility to ask the question of “why” these young mothers
o Why the quotes
- “studies find that there is more to being … as commonly thought”
o What studies?
o Commonly thought by whom? Evidence that this is commonly thought?
- “While many hold these individuals accountable, the real reasons are more psychologically and emotionally driven”
o Who are these many holding them accountable? (too vague)
o Why is it that being psychologically and emotionally driven makes them not accountable? I’m not clear where this sentence is going.
- Why the sudden change in text color?
- “It is often contemplated how television affects its viewers”
o Who’s contemplating? How would you know if they are contemplating?
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